um, yes satan
Since I’ve been eating them so much lately and have done maybe six or seven different recipies already.
This one time I foolishly had a side of grits in a restaurant in central new york. What I received could more accurately be described as “hot corn water”.
lol grits in nyc.
I’ve spent most of 2011 fighting with myself internally over the merits of weight loss for its own sake. I’ve lost and gained a ton of weight repeatedly this year from the various psych meds I’ve tried. It’s not fun. It’s hell, actually.
And you know what? My fucking body hurts, okay?
I don’t think I’m worthless or hideous because I’m fat. I’d be lying if I said my self-image isn’t at least somewhat linked to my weight, but at some point—and the point is different for everyone—the laws of physics apply and your body simply cannot handle a certain amount of excess fat. I’m reaching that point right now. My back, my hips and my knees ache constantly. I am not physically capable of doing the things I want to do.
I’m so ashamed to share all of this, but let’s be real about my eating disorder, too. I can’t just blame the meds anymore. I have been absolutely out of control for a long while now. I have binged on enormous amounts of food several times a week—sometimes even every day—for years, and with increasing frequency. And unless you’re Michael Phelps, it’s impossible not to gain weight when you’re eating 10,000 calories a day. There has been a direct correlation between my weight gain and my ED, period.
This is where the fat acceptance movement falls short, I believe. No, not all fat people eat gallons of ice cream for breakfast, and obviously it’s important that we fight that stereotype. I’m totally on board with challenging the idea of an “obesity epidemic” and asserting that people can be healthy at any size. But we’re leaving some people out when we do this. I can’t help but feel erased because I am at this weight due in part to binge eating.
It has taken me far too long to admit all of this, because I feel like I’m betraying fat acceptance. I’ve stolen food. I’ve stolen money for food. I’ve hoarded food. I’ve eaten until I’ve been sick on a regular basis. And I have serious gastric problems now. I don’t have bulimia, but I’m starting to experience all the health consequences that come from it. Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to be swallowing vomit and bile back down all day long?
We could spend hours debating whether or not we, as individuals, owe it to each other not to “diet” in this culture. Believe me, I’ve spent the last few months agonizing over this decision. I guess I believe you deserve support no matter what you choose to do. The point is, I have a weight loss Tumblr now. And if you want to click here and follow it, you are more than welcome to.
This blog will always be a body-positive space. There won’t be any diet or weight-loss talk here, period. But if for whatever reason you’re interested in my weight loss or recovery from binge eating, I’m inviting you to follow my other Tumblr. If you don’t want to follow it, that’s totally fine, too. I could use the support, that’s all.
Back to our regularly scheduled programming.